“I harmonize with your conclusions and will thirstily look forward to your approaching updates”
This comment was left by “Lipozene Reviews” several days ago on a blog entry I posted this past December. It’s an Advent-themed post. I am sure that Mr. Reviews will be very disappointed that the only person who sees this comment will be me – and that would be true even if I didn’t delete spam comments. Not sure exactly who Lipozene – if he were my friend, I’d surely call him Big Boy Lipo, or maybe just Zeeny – thinks is going to read his comment, and maybe click on his junk link, when it’s buried on an old page of a microscopically unimportant blog attempting to fill a niche so small no one knows it needs filling.
Another person who apparently harmonizes with my conclusions is my good friend Transmission Line Tower, who wrote on a post in January:
“Your blog provided us valuable information.”
This is great news, Ms. Line Tower. By “us,” I assume you mean you and your parenting partner Overhead Power Line as you bring up your darling twins High Voltage AC and High Voltage DC. I applaud your command of the English language and feel particularly gratified that my peculiar musings on my child sleeping through the night without diapers was valuable information for you. I trust you will carry that information to a handful of other people.
Like emails from Nigerian princes desperately seeking to give away millions of dollars, this seems like a phishing scam that is far more work than any conceivable benefit. And, like those Nigerian princes, I guess that the assumption is that 99% of blog-owners will be smart enough to delete the comments without a second thought. But perhaps there is some idiot somewhere who actually buys that there is a real person behind that link who likes their blog, and so the clicking commences and web traffic hits are driven up. I’m honestly kind of jealous. And, truthfully, it’s a tactic I’ve used as well. Perhaps there are a few very famous bloggers on the internets who have comments in their posts from me that have my blog website attached.
I suppose we all try to get what we need. Or what we want; we’re rarely clear on the difference. My child uses equally dubious methods for getting cookies or more screen time or being allowed to wear shorts in an ice storm. She’ll promise things no human being could ever deliver – “I’ll be good for always!” Or she’ll tell me her grandmother lets her; which might very well be true, but doesn’t at all win the point. Or she’ll just throw herself on the floor and wail and scream. This one always amazes me, because this pretty much 100% insures that she doesn’t get the thing she wants or much of anything else. Maybe sometimes she’ll just spam us with all of them all at once, as if a sudden barrage would overwhelm our capacity to see through the façade. You’d think parents would be completely wise, but there is someone somewhere who replies to the Nigerian prince. And there are parents in the world who foolishly give in to those crazy toddler demands in the exasperated hope that the child will peacefully submit and behave without somehow having such terrible patterns reinforced. You know, now that I mention it, I may have replied to that email before...
So this post is for you, spammers. As ridiculous as you seem, you’re no more ridiculous than my three-year-old. All of us adults fall for such simple-minded tactics now and again, purely because we are suckers for promises of easy peace and quick fortune. So I will not delete any spam posts left on this particular post. Let this post be the one that serves as safe haven for spam. Post away, bots. I thirstily look forward to your approaching awkwardly translated generic praise and non sequitur weblinks. If being a parent has taught me anything, it’s that we never completely outgrow the desire to act out childish behavior or our tendencies to respond to it.